Movie Reviews in 50 Words: (C)

Crash (2004)
The Oscar-sweeping way to broach race relations is by stuffing limp caricatures through a self-important Rube Goldberg device packed with melodrama and histrionics, evidently. It’s a flick you’re told you should appreciate, but the cinematic emperor in question isn’t just naked. He may very well be dead. Cut to vomit.

Bury it

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)
Moviegoers flocked to this martial arts drama about two warriors and their quest for love and magical weaponry, probably for its stateside novelty. Let’s be honest, though: Asian people aren’t nearly as aerodynamic as portrayed, and leaping from one bamboo stalk to the next generally leads to higher monthly premiums.

Borrow it